It has been a long time since ive been on here......well 4 years to be exact. I feel so different now. Im 20.... Jesus i feel old. anyways for the last two years ive been in treatment. my depression got worse and i dipped out of high school. i graduated in treatment. so at least i have a diploma. My self harm got bad and i had crazy anxiety. I also have PTSD. shit man i sound so fucked up. im alright though. i guess ill start from the beginning of the story.
my dog sandy died. i had her since i was 4. right after she died my cocaine use got out of control. i was not sober EVER. i went to a wilderness program and it was so fucked at first. i was so stuck in my own self pity. i didnt think i was doing anything wrong. my dad is an addict so i was brought up with drugs. anyways wilderness was the hardest more rewarding thing i have ever done. i really re-connected to my love of nature. it kind of flipped a switch in my mind and got me thinking in a different way. Im not going to say that 3 months in the woods cured me but i will say it got me on the right path. I went from wilderness to a residential treatment program. shit man that place was lame as hell. i got 2 hours of phone and internet a WEEK! wtf?! i was way up in NH. it was a horrible place. i was there for a year and a half. it eventually shut down as i expected. the owners husband had an affair with an 18 year old girl in the program and so no one wanted to send their kids there. so i was told i needed to find somewhere to live in 2 weeks because the house was being taken by the bank then.
that was so stressful. i was going to move into an apartment with my roomate but she dipped on me and i ended up at another residential facility in VT. over the last year and a half i had been working at a sled dog kennel and it was amazing. i got to keep that job and i just went when i had free time. the owner just likes to have me around the dogs because they love me and i love them too. i also do good work and work really hard and get shit done. i saved his life once but ill get into that another time.
so i was at this place in VT still struggling with self harm and drugs and all my emotional shit. i started my sobriety there. I was there 6 months and i wasnt really doing stuff for myself. i was doing the bare minimum. so i got taken into an office one day and my mom was there which was weird cuz she lives in jersey. i was told that i was being sent to another program because this wasnt working for me. i had to pack up stuff and leave that afternoon to go to CT.
so i show up at this place in CT and im like damn i need a cigarette. i go inside to check in and they tell me this is a no smoking place. i turn to my mom and i start yelling WTF?! why the fuck is this happening. i calmed down after a minute and realized that i was doing old behavior. god its just so easy to slip back into that. anyways ive been here in CT for like 3 and a half months. im really trying this time. i want to get my shit together. ive been sober for 9 months and i have not had a cigarette in 3 and a half months. now dont get me wrong im probably going to start smoking cigarettes when i go home. but im not concerned with that right now. im actually dealing with my shit now. i started working on my PTSD around being held up at gunpoint and being raped and manipulated when i was 14. it sucks dealing with shit but i gotta do it.
i got invited home for the first time in 2 years for the holidays so i must be doing something right.
the girls i live with call me a hippie. i am like so chill now and i say groovy hahaha but im also like super connected to the outside and animals. i have a lot of respect for living things.
my life has changed a lot. it seems insane. ive been through shit times but im goin for it.
thats all i got for now.